Which reminds me of one of my various ongoing thought projects: if I were a sleazeball that wished to resort to crime, what would I do to maximize profit and minimize the chance of fuck-me-in-the-ass prison time?
1. Valet lifting.
Around here, there are valet stops everywhere. Just about every restaurant has one outside their doors. And have you seen your average valet lately? The skeezier, the better. My idea: get some friends, some slacks and blazers, throw together a sandwich board, print up some numbered tickets, and you're in business. Once the last of your friends has been given a car, they pick up the sandwich board and take off. People give you their key, and don't suspect anything for hours! By the time they do, you're long gone. If you're lucky, they even gave you their house keys, and there's some indication of their address somewhere in the car.
2. Sports donations.
The Cubs are huge in Chicago, most probably because they don't seem to be very good at winning games within the last century. This would also work with any other underdog or sufficiently moneyed popular sports team. Get the biggest and most annoying Team X jersey and hat you can find, make up a clipboard full of appropriate forms, and start walking and knocking. Bonus points if you gin up some kind of certificate of authenticity proving you are who you say you are.
Then, start going door to door looking for donations in the name of said sports team. Sponsors would have the choice of donating something like $2 per win, $.25 per run and $.50 per home run, or just a straight dollar amount for the season. They also get to choose from a short list of target charities. Later on in the season, you follow up with scoring updates, and start collecting money when the season is over. Then make up a cheap-o one page newsletter full of unverifiable information and Google images, so the marks can feel good about what they gave and be more likely to donate next season. Yes, I admit to being inspired by Choke on this last bit.
So, what would you do to hone and improve these ideas? What would you do to prevent unscrupulous people from implementing them? What are your own ideas?
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So, I'd have to shave my entire body and hit it with a strong hose just to get all of the hair off. I'd then put on three or four different layers of clothes and a ski mask. I'd wear three pairs of latex gloves under two pairs of garden/winter gloves. I'd but brand new shoes so that the tread patterns could not be analyzed, and put an extra pair of new shoes and socks into a small backpack. I'd find some way of going back in time to Helen Keller's home while she was alone, and then I'd inject her with a sedative between her toes. She'd have never known I was coming, because she'd be asleep, and I'd have watched her for a while. I'd have stolen someone else's gun and a silencer, and I'd shoot her in the head five times. Then, I'd shed a couple of layers of clothing and leave my shoes in her yard. I'd change into my new shoes and socks in the bushes a few homes away, and then I'd calmly walk away. No reason to suspect me, either, because I'd just go back to my current when.
As you can tell, I've thought of this quite a bit. I haven't quite found a flaw in it just yet, and it may, in fact, be the perfect murder.
To prevent unscrupulous people from implementing your ideas, I'd never give my car to any valet. In fact, I'd never go to a restaurant that required a valet to park my car. Also, I'd never give money to anyone whose sports teams I'd never heard of. If I were in a position of power within the government, I'd do away with valet parking altogether, and solicitation. The government would shortly collapse, I'm sure.